Letter to First Year Me 

By Emily Dana

Posted June 25, 2021

Our Provost once asked me what I would have told myself at the beginning of my first year of rabbinical school, knowing what I know now. Here is an edited version of what I said with the hope that it might be able to help someone else. 

Dear past me, 

You didn't have a choice in becoming disabled, but you do have a choice in how you advocate for yourself. Never stop fighting no matter how high you need to go up the institutional food chain because you deserve to not be in pain. Your disease is rare, yes, but that doesn’t make your struggles with fainting, chronic fatigue, and pain any less valid. You are, and probably will in perpetuity be, the most “high functioning” person with your disorder. Ask your professors and administrators not to google your condition because they will tell you that you cannot finish on time. As exhausting as it is, take the time to explain your condition to your administrators and colleagues. 

You deserve help and kindness even when that is not always the reaction that you receive. You will be lucky enough to encounter a few professors and friends that are patient with you and provide you much needed support when other things in your life as a disabled graduate student are not going your way. 

You think now that your connections to the Recruitment department would have smoothed the path to getting what you need in terms of accommodations. You will express your need for missing class and a professor will tell you that you cannot finish school on time. Unfortunately, you will be denied accommodations and you will have to fight the people who were supposed to be on your side in order to get what you need. Once you finally get those accommodations, please use them. Yes, you may face pushback, but your health and your well-being are more important than school. 

Additionally, other peoples' feelings about your disability are not your "fault," and it is not okay when their discomfort (irritated looks, invalidating comments, denial) keeps them from doing their job and helping you to get the best education that you could possibly get. You can’t get a good education if you are sick. 

Most importantly, you belong at your school. You did not "con" anyone into letting you in, and your education is just as important as that of your classmates even if it might be harder for you to make your way around the obstacles that graduate school and life throw at you. You disclosed your disability when you applied; nobody thought that you weren’t disabled. Heck, it’s all over the internet and the recruitment director had been the one to support you through a terrible nausea episode the year before and she also was the one who called you to tell you that you got into school.

You can do this, I promise.

Emily Dana is a 3rd Year Rabbinical Student at Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion. She can be found at www.emilysdana.com or youdontgettorun on Twitter.